Countdown to the Future

Because I am sick and tired of people reading my journal after I've asked them not to. Because I hate getting stupid remarks (whether in the journal or otherwise) from people who have read my journal. Because I'm SICK of you people reading my thoughts. Those are the 3 main reasons my journal is now, friends-only.
And how sweet it is.



Add me, I might add you.

Why must I do this to myself? Why do I ask people and myself questions I already know the answer to? Why do I set myself up for failure, for heartbreak, for drama and turmoil? Why am I such a dork?

I hate this. There are times when I honestly think things are getting better. Times when I think I may be happy. Then something always comes along, drama or hurt comes by and with one swoop everything falls apart. I'm not saying my life is terrible. It's really not. But sometimes I wish it was better. I know I'm not the only one to feel this way.

I wish for once that my memories could be erased. I know I've said otherwise before. I don't care anymore. For once I want the memories gone, the people that have hurt me to drop off the planet so that I can begin to forget. I want to be able to walk down the street, to see a face, to think about my life and not be overcome with memories. Memories that I never should have had. I want for once for it all to change. I don't see that happening.

Someone tell me everything's okay. Tell me that you feel the same.

After receiving all A's but one on my progress reports today.. I realized something. I'm not such a slacker after all.




Becca's not mad at me anymore. I find this exciting :)

now i must go to Sally's and work on costumes for OM. :(

Okay...so.if this is the only way i can reach you, great.

Bec- i'm sorry. i'm sorry for not giving you a chance to talk to me yesterday before i hung up. i'm sorry for not listening to you when you said you wanted to talk about your cousin last week. i'm sorry for the fact that everything i say to you seems to come out wrong. i'm sorry that i ever even said i liked ian. i promise you i had no idea you felt the same. i'm sorry for accusing you of talking behind my back to alexis, although i still honestly don't know who else would have said all that stuff and who would've known everything that would have gone on.
i'm sorry for everything.




on a side note, i really wish my journal was not webrestricted. my parental settings on my computer are soooo cool.

Lyrics of my life: (in no order)

This place is a prison.

All I find are souvenirs from better times.

***I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking.***

Your love was just a game.

Make my wish come true.


If anyone can name the bands that have written these masterpieces, I will give you a big fat (Hershey) kiss.

that's it. i quit. i'm extremely proud of myself for doing all (that's right, ALL) of my homework. i'm proud of myself for apologizing for all the stupid things i've done. i'm proud of myself for being able to get over myself. apparently not everyone can do the same.


Becca- i give up, okay? forget i ever said i liked him.forget the fact that i even liked him this summer. forget i ever said anything at all. but remember, i never knew you felt this way. it's not my fault.

man, there has been so much stuff happening lately, my life seems crazy. with Bobby's death, Becca talking crap, the entire thing with Meghan, and the act of getting over the hurt of the breakup (which i am proud to say i have successfully accomplished), i just want to sleep right now. at the same time, i am very, very proud of myself. i believe that every crazy thing happening has made me stronger, and for this, i'm thankful.

today, i sat down and did all of my english homework that i've missed lately. because of all the stress, i failed to do a lot of things i should have, (not only homework wise) and i think i'm getting back on the ball. i guess right now, all i can say is ...

meghan- i wish this whole fiasco w/ fiegs had never happened. i'm glad you feel the same way. i love you and jake together :)
dylan- i'm sorry for acting like a jerk. you made a mistake and i realize that. i'm sorry i didn't realize it sooner.
becca- i'm sorry if you think i'm trying to "steal your man". that's not at all what i was after, and i really just wish you'd talk to me about these things before you make assumptions.
beth/foxy/anna/caitlin/anyone else involved in the meghan fiasco- thank you guys for secretly (or not so secretly) feeling the same way i do. i love you all more than life.

once again, i can't help but feel proud and fulfilled. :)

WARNING: DO NOT READ FOLLOWING UPDATE IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN MOULIN ROUGE/ DON'T WANT THE ENDING TO BE RUINED FOR YOU.

Feeling very much like Satine, I woke up yesterday morning coughing up blood. At first, this excited me. I realized, hey, maybe that means I'll hook up with Ewan MacGregor (sp?). Then, after thinking more about the situation and the movie, I realized, Damn, Satine dies at the end. Then I went on to do some hardcore puking at random intervals throughout the day. Turns out I had a stress-related ulcer,and it bit. Big time.


In other big news: Sunday afternoon my aunt Mary called. Early Sunday morning, my cousin Bobby was driving back to U of L (where he goes to school). He just turned 19 on Thursday, so he came up here to visit, and then, like I said, was driving back. Bobby got hit head on by a Ford F-150, in his tiny Honda Del Sol, and he was killed. Isn't life grand? I have to say, my family is not taking this very well. I didn't know him all too well, but he was an amazing person those dozen times we did get together.


MEGHAN IRENE GROOB: I (finally) got your letter today. I have to say, it was amazing and very emotional ;). Now more than ever, I love you more than life. Thanks for the wonderful support! :)

Lately I've been feeling: nervous, sick, crappy, depressed. This weekend has been great; Fieg's house last night was...interesting, but I feel like this is all one big competition. Just the way Fiegs said "well obviously you haven't been hanging out with Meghan lately, cause I've seen her every night" sucked. I hate competing for my best friend, I hate competing for the guy I'm in love with, I hate thinking I have to compete with stupid Anna to be Dylan's friend. It's not like I necessarily want us to hang out, but even if I did, he's always with her, and it gets...hm.. annoying. I hate it when you know you've screwed up and you can do nothing to fix the hurt you've caused everyone else.

Today in church, Deacon Meyers was talking about humility, and the fact that everyone makes mistakes, everyone has their faults, etc. This is, of course, the first time I've EVER listened to the sermon, and, of course, it had to be the one to hit home for me. I realized today that although I may not think I'm perfect, I give other people a lot of crap when they make mistakes. Take Dylan, for instance. True, I was so hurt by what he did (cheating on me with Anna and denying it when we asked), but it was a mistake. He could have told me sooner, he could have picked another girl, he could have not done it at all, but it's really pointless on my part to linger on these things. Honestly, right now, I feel like an effing TERRIBLE person.

On a better (?) note, I should really stop reading Anna's livejournal. It gets me very, very, VERY angry, depressed, nostalgic, etc. Especially upon seeing Dylan's pictures and reading about her "S.O.I" excursions. Reading her journal is like an addiction...

creepy huh?

Winter Formal last night was... beautiful. The music sucked, of course, and there were like 5 different male DJ's that liked to watch all the girls do the booty call, but other than that, it was fantastic. Everyone looked beautiful, and surprisingly, some of the guys from Beechwood are extremely good dancers. Plus, because I had no date, the freshman boys all took this as their initiative to sandwich me between them and get all freaky- Ian and Everett, Ian and Eric, Ian and Mich, and pretty much Ian and EVERYONE. (As a side note, I can't believe I just said "freaky") My mission to make Ian's two dates jealous was definitely accomplished. I must also say, seeing Sondra RAPE Ben Ostendorf on the dance floor was probably the best time I've ever had. Also, asking Jack (AP US teacher) to dance and having him turn me down was pretty great (that's right, Foxy, I took one for the team and went for the History teacher).

However, one bad thing did occur at this little shindig:
Last night, I realized how much I really do love him (whose name shall remain anonymous). Unfortunately, it took two other,slutty girls to make me realize this. If I had the chance to be with him, I would take it, but not if it meant hurting you.

I realize that was all very cryptic.